December 17th, 2006
yesterday, we talked.. the last blog i wrote was about the things i THOUGHT i can never say..
yet, i said it all..
everything that has been bothering me– it went out! wow!
i never thought i could do that..
i think that was one of the bravest things i did in my whole life!
at first, i didn’t know how to start it off.. i was trembling because i was so nervoused..
he broke the silence by asking..i forgot what that was..because that was totally off the thing for that moment..but that started a conversation..
i could feel the tension between us that moment..perhaps he did to..
we talked about stuff..
but still i was so uncomfortable..
i don’t know how it started..but it just came..the topic i we were supposed to talk about just surfaced..
i know i looked kinda stupid while i was trying to explain what i really feel..
ammm…
kuan…
basta…
argghhh…
pero ok ra…
those were the words so dominant…
and of course he didn’t understand it…
he kept asking what his fault was..and for so long, i tried to find the right words to tell him..
"di man sa ingon nga naa kay sala..naa lang kay gibuhat nga naka cause ug struggle sa akoa..
remember the time nga nagbuwag mo ni grace?"
he said, "primi man mi magbuwag…"
"basta, hinumdmi nalang too na time tong nagbuwag mo kay ingon ka wa ka ganahi sa iya pag trit sa imoha? nya imo ko gi-ask if puede ba ka mu cort nako..tungod ato..nibalik.."
"nibalik ang unsa?"
"basta ni balik..nya kalagot kaayo kay nisulti ka nako ato pag tuesday..then after that day kay wa na ka ni text..pag ka sunday kay nag tex2x mi ni grace ny ani ana xa nga nagbalik mo pagaka wednesday.."
…he still didn’t get my point!
then he asked, "lyn, naa pa ka feelings nako?!"
i cudnt answer the question right away..i just looked away and said to myself "manhid jud diay ka".. "ambot", i answered him..
manhid jud!
to explain it straight, i tried to open my mouth so many times but i can’t just spit the words out..
ambot…
basta..
mao na to..
pero ok ra…
still, he didnt get it..
then finally, i said…
"naka get over n man unta ko nimo yel…ni balik lang tungod atong imo gitext nga mu court kag balik…kalagot! bullshit ka! pag aka wednesday diay kay nakig balik ka nia..feeling nako kay joke ra jud to.. (but that joke meant a lot to me.. it brought back everything i turned away from)"
then, na gets na nia! at last!
"ni balik ang feelings! kasabot!?"
unsa may dapat niya buhaton?
nothing..we’ll just remain friends..as it is..i’m still always there for him whenever he needs me..ok raman nako masakitan because it’s my choice..
"bisag unsaon pa nimo pag ingon nga di ka ganahan sa pag trit sa usa ka tao sa imo, nya naay tao na i trit ka as a very special person, ang tao nga imo love– bisag pirmi ka niya pasakitan– mao r agihapon na ang mag pa happy nimo.."
to clearly explain what i really feel, i sang the song ‘friend of mine’–
I've known you for so long
You are a friend of mine
But babe, is this all we'd ever be
I've loved you eversince
You were a friend of mine
But babe, is this all we ever could be
chorus:
You tell me things I've never known
I showed my love you've never shown
but then again when you cry
im always at your side
you tell me bout the love you've had
i listen very eagerly
but deep inside you'll never see
This feeling of emptiness
It makes me feel sad
But then again, I'm glad
I've known you all my life
You are a friend of mine
I know this is how it's gonna be
I've loved you then and I love you still
You're a friend of mine
I know that friends are all we ever could be
but then again,
but then again
but then again
im glad
…and i think he got it!
he told me things that softened my heart.. if those were true or not– i don’t care..
ka level dw mi ni grace…
really?!
ako sad lipay dayon…
there is something in me saying that i shouldn’t believe him.. but the feeling was just so wonderful..
"gusto ko mag padayon mo ni grace..kay sa iya man ka malipay..ayaw ko huna2x.a.. ok ra ko.."
"swerte kaayo imo mauyab lyn.."
ni ana ko niya ng adi na ko ganahan ma in love ug utro..
"kapoy na kaayo.. kung nasakitan man ko sa imo..i don’t wanna feel it again..sakto na sa ako nga ikaw lang ang tao na ako tagaan ug attention..
..naa r ako pirmi yel..kung kailangan nimo ug ka share.an.. kung naa ka prob, i contact lang ko kay always ko ready basta ikaw…"
i never felt that real to him ever in the history of our friendship.. i hava always been hiding my loneliness behind a happy face.. yesterday, i felt so good..
my sadness was real…
my laughters were real..
i was so real…!
now, i feel like the heaviest burden i have always carried has finally been lifted… thank God!
we’ll go on being friends.. i’ll go on treating him special.. life goes on.. and now, life is better..
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